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Jesus Christ! Who is he and What Does He Want…?

April 5, 2012

An Exclusive Farnham Report Special Investigation….!

Easter. What even is it?  In order to find out what Easter means today we need to find out what Easter means today.

According to common folklore, some 2000 years ago, long before Gerry Harvey and Tim Costello, a sandally-clad philanthropist fed everyone with loaves (bread) and fishes (fish) and could turn water into wine.

Needless to say he was popular.

So much so that he decided to shack up with 12 other blokes but he wasn’t a homo, (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

However, one day people got fed up with his so-called “good deeds” and so they killed him.

But the story doesn’t end there.

No it does not.  After he was strung up on a hills hoist, the dead “Jesus” was taken to a cave where a big rock was rolled in front to stop his body from escaping.

But escape it did.  A couple of days later someone decided to unroll the rock and take a peek inside only to find that the Jesus had vanished!   All that was left was his sandals and robe subsequently referred to as “the Shroud of Tourette’s”

The whole cave/rock episode happened over a period of a few days what we now call Easter.

Where TF do the rabbit and chocolate eggs come in? I hear you ask, and the answer to that question, friends, is simple.

The chocolate egg is meant to symbolize the big rock that rolled away from the cave to reveal that the mystical Jesus had been redirected.  Kind of like the Miracle of Australia Post when you move house or go overseas.

As for the rabbit, well no one is quite sure, but the fiord moves in mysterious ways..

Here endeth the lesson.

Have a happy Easter.

 

 

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69 Comments leave one →
  1. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:32 am

    The resurrection is the big part of the story, but I’m thinking it was body snatchers who got in first….not sure why they bothered?

    No miracle in the resurrection, so the whole story becomes a ‘beat up’ in the Murdoch style.

    The eggs and rabbits are presumably about fertility and the northern hemisphere spring.

  2. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 1:13 pm

    There are a number of different stories on the reappearance of Jesus and they seem to be of an extraterrestrial nature.

    Its also worth noting that the Jewish and Islamic traditions recognise the crucifixtion (sic) but not necessarily the resurrection.

  3. armchair opinionator permalink
    April 5, 2012 1:21 pm

    There are a number of different stories on the reappearance of Jesus…

    He reappeared? Where is he?

  4. Tom R permalink
    April 5, 2012 2:33 pm

    Where is he?

    The FWA are not saying

  5. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 3:15 pm

    AO that’s funny LOL

  6. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    April 5, 2012 4:20 pm

    Personally, I’m resurrecting my youth (yet again) and heading to the coast. Might even watch some of the Bells surf comp.

  7. TB Queensland permalink
    April 5, 2012 5:08 pm

    It were the Druids I tell’s yer!

    Easter is not a Christian name. It is Chaldean (Babylonian) in origin – the name Astarte, one of the titles of Beltis, the queen of heaven. The name Astarte, as found on the Assyrian monuments by the noted archeologist Layard, was the name Ishtar. The worship of Bel and Astarte was introduced very early into Britain, along with the Druids, “the priests of the groves,” the high places where the pagans worshipped the idols of Baal. In the Almanac of the 1800’s, May 1st is called Beltane, from the pagan god, Bel. The titles Bel and Molech both belong to the same god …
    The amalgamation of the Christian Pasch, as observed in Britain by the Christians, and the Pagan Easter enforced by Rome, occurred by violence and bloodshed. But at last, the Festival of the Anglo-Saxon or Chaldean goddess, Ishtar, came to supersede that which had been held in honor of Christ.

    “The hot cross buns of Good Friday, and the dyed eggs of Easter Sunday figured in the Chaldean rites just as they do today. The Œbuns,’ known by the identical name, were used in the worship of the queen of heaven, the goddess Ishtar, as early as the days of Cecrops, the founder of Athens, that is, 1500 years BEFORE the Christian era. One species of sacred bread which used to be offered to the gods was called ŒBoun.'” Hislop, Two Babylons, pg 107.

    “The children gather wood, the fathers kindle the fire, and the women knead their dough, to make cakes to the queen of heaven. Jeremiah 7:18

    The hot cross buns are not now offered, but eaten instead, on the festival of Easter (Astarte – Ishtar).

    http://www.goodnewsaboutgod.com/studies/holidays2.htm

    Now yer know why most Micks are thieves and liars … the Church is a role model dontcha know! 😀

    +++++++++++++++++++++++

    I think a couple of you have been to Egypt and most of the bible stories are written on the sides of ancient buildings in heiroglyphs there … over 3000 years old (and some now believe 6000) … as our guide often said … “nothing is new” …

  8. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 5:21 pm

    Very informative TB….so the bible is just a good yarn?

  9. TB Queensland permalink
    April 5, 2012 5:40 pm

    Very informative TB….so the bible is just a good yarn?

    As ye olde, Max Bygraves, would say, “Yer learnin’ son” …

  10. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 7:00 pm

    Better late than never, s’pose.

  11. Tony permalink
    April 5, 2012 8:21 pm

    Amusing post reb. 😉

  12. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 8:27 pm

    Hi Tony.

  13. Tony permalink
    April 5, 2012 8:29 pm

    Hi el gordo. Keep up the good work. 😉

  14. el gordo permalink
    April 5, 2012 9:04 pm

    A cautionary tale.

    Around six years ago I sent a script to a mate in the business, titled the Mount Rennie Affair, and now its on ABC TV.

    My name won’t be mentioned, nor recompense for three weeks spent in the university library digging through old newspapers.

    The new writers did what I did (good luck to them) but there is some satisfaction in being ahead of time.

  15. JAWS permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:04 pm

    Well from your correspondent 2 kms off palm beach on
    my mates boat again with the wives for a change with my
    wireless Optus mini modem for a change I can report
    from my mates boat that we have all his spotlights going
    on 3 bull sharks which are going hammer and tongs crazy
    over some yellowtail right now. They are btx 2 & 3 m each

    My mate who knows a lot about shark behaviour reckons
    they are heading a bit south

    We won’t catch anything with those 3 truly magnificent beasts
    around tonight.

    Surf’s up ToM

    LOL

  16. Bacchus permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:19 pm

    How about a little night snorkling Jaws? 😆

  17. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:38 pm

    Fifi cleans my wetsuits with chicken liver and offal. She says it will repel the sharks.

    Very considerate.

  18. JAWS permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:39 pm

    I’ keep losing coverage this far out . We need the nbn
    to go To nz with access points 2 ks off Sydney.

    I ‘ m trying to film these magnificent bastards
    but the boat this far out its a bit tuff getting them to
    Smile into the Pentax and spotlights.

    One of them has a really mangled dorsal lots of bite
    marks in it. No snorkeling tonight

    LOL

  19. JAWS permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:44 pm

    And they are just so fucking fast

    These guys have evolved to total perfection.

    The bolshies could learn a bit I reckon rather
    than continuing to drag their knuckles everywhere

    LOL

  20. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    April 5, 2012 11:55 pm

    Fifi thinks this story of Jesus is funny, for something so factual.

  21. April 6, 2012 2:52 pm

    Reb, your joke about the shroud of Tourette’s did not go over the top. The easter egg represents the boulder. Love it! Happy Ishtar to you and V*.

  22. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 6:33 pm

    On further reading it appears that Saul of Tarsus spread the story of the Resurrection and then changed his name to Paul.

    This came about after Saul saw a blinding light on the road to Damascus and he went blind for a few days.

    Hmmm…hardly tangible evidence.

  23. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 6:44 pm

    Its all too convenient, possibly a conspiracy organised by a small group of rebels making shit up to further their careers.

    ‘According to the Bible, Peter, James, Thomas, Mary Magdalene and a number of disciples saw Jesus in the flesh after his death.

    ‘This proved he was the son of God and became the central tenet of Christian faith and theology.’

    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2121149/New-Turin-Shroud-theory-claims-Christ-did-NOT-rise-dead.html#ixzz1rFQLP5rn

  24. April 6, 2012 8:00 pm

    Quietly confident.

  25. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 8:13 pm

    😉

  26. April 6, 2012 8:18 pm

    Youse is disgusting. Youse is a fraud.

  27. April 6, 2012 8:19 pm

    It’s so-called “good Friday” Hooray! But I was bad..! Hooray…!!!

  28. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 8:37 pm

    And I ate meat.

  29. April 6, 2012 8:42 pm

    I blasphemed.

  30. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 8:50 pm

    I laughed too often and people noticed.

  31. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 9:02 pm

    Still following up this story the so called Resurrection and the word on the ground is that Saul was with other men on the road to Damascus who ‘stood speechless, hearing a voice but seeing no one.’

    This is intriguing and deserves further investigation.

  32. el gordo permalink
    April 6, 2012 9:11 pm

    Bruegel the Elder had a huge crowd on the road to Damascus…can’t even see Saul.

  33. JAWS permalink
    April 6, 2012 10:41 pm

    I had sex with my wife and according to the bible
    I must now slaughter a chicken

  34. April 7, 2012 12:53 am

    I always love a bit of religious mockery on holy occasions! 😆

  35. April 7, 2012 12:54 am

    Were you at the RipCurl Pro, YomM?

    If so, you saw a fine spectacle, based upon the highlights I’ve seen.

    Lucky tnuc.

  36. April 7, 2012 8:07 am

    “the word on the ground is that Saul was with other men on the road to Damascus who ‘stood speechless, hearing a voice but seeing no one.”

    Saul Eslake..?

    Is he going to issue a comprehensive statement….???

  37. el gordo permalink
    April 7, 2012 8:09 am

    ‘Is he going to issue a comprehensive statement….???’

    Any day now…along with that other fellow.

  38. el gordo permalink
    April 7, 2012 8:20 am

    The Oz has a scoop.

    ‘VOTERS know that Tony Abbott opposes gay marriage but what he hasn’t been able to share with the electorate until now is the compassion and support he’s shown towards his sister, Christine Forster, since she has come out as a gay woman.

    ‘The siblings are extremely close and strikingly similar in appearance and personality but they stand on different sides of the gay marriage debate. The Opposition Leader is a traditionalist who believes marriage is for men and women. Ms Forster is committed to a live-in relationship with her partner, Virginia Edwards.’

  39. April 7, 2012 8:25 am

    “support” but not equality? How sanctimonious …

  40. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    April 7, 2012 9:19 am

    HD, over easter all the pros surf along this part of the coast when they’re not competing. You can be in the water with them.

    It’s fantastic fun, some of them land incredible moves in practice. I’ve not dropped in on any, I’m quite polite in the water!

  41. April 7, 2012 10:01 am

    an oldie but a goodie…

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Pets in the building

    Hello David

    I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.

    I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together.
    I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.

    The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

    Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Hello David

    You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    They are very small ducks.

    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

    Helen

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
    To: Helen Bailey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway.

    Regards, David.

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

    Helen

  42. April 7, 2012 10:25 am

    funny…

    http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html

  43. el gordo permalink
    April 7, 2012 11:09 am

    Both very funny..

  44. April 7, 2012 11:56 am

    Half your luck, YomM!

    The last week has seen some very powerful waves around here.

  45. Meta permalink
    April 8, 2012 10:57 am

    Far from the Land of the Rising Son, Happy Easter, TB, and everyone; and please have an Easter egg, despite or in aid of acclaimed agnosticity.

  46. el gordo permalink
    April 8, 2012 1:03 pm

    I read the witness statements from the few people walking with Saul on the road to Damascus and at first glance it looks like an encounter of the ‘third kind’, but none of them could agree on what they saw.

  47. el gordo permalink
    April 10, 2012 4:47 pm

    ‘The clergyman remained unmoved on gay marriage and climate change, but he said evolution was ”probably” right, and that atheists could ”certainly” get into heaven. Professor Dawkins declared he was ”trying to be charitable” by suggesting there was no way Cardinal Pell meant the body would literally be resurrected.’

    Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/dawkins-and-pell-battle-it-out-in-one-hell-of-a-debate-20120410-1wlkg.html#ixzz1rcLUBv00

  48. JAWS permalink
    April 11, 2012 3:53 pm

    Larvatus Prodeo has kicked the bucket……………so to speak.

  49. TB Queensland permalink
    April 11, 2012 4:05 pm

    RE: LP … Seven years I see, Ratarse, generally the time needed to gauge the success or not of a business … seven year itch when the marriage becomes dull and flat for many … or simply the magic of the seven year cycle …

  50. el gordo permalink
    April 11, 2012 4:26 pm

    Sad for LP regulars.

  51. JAWS permalink
    April 11, 2012 4:29 pm

    Yes TB

    Perhaps “7” is the secret of the Universe.

  52. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    April 11, 2012 4:54 pm

    I’m sure all those LP contributors would be welcome here, though they may not be used to the intellectual rigor.

  53. el gordo permalink
    April 11, 2012 4:55 pm

    I recently read that the ‘seven year itch’ (in relation to marriage) has now been reduced to five years because of the hectic pace of society.

  54. Splatterbottom permalink
    April 11, 2012 5:22 pm

    The itch can come at any time these days. Usually it is best to see the same doctor.

  55. TB Queensland permalink
    April 11, 2012 5:51 pm

    … they may not be used to the intellectual rigor …

    Could you give me an example? 🙂

    I noticed LP didn’t mention TFR or GT for that matter … we must have slipped under the radar …

    Usually it is best to see the same doctor.

    You obviously have experience in these matters, bumbomb … I’m afraid 44 years of wedded bliss for me this September ( 😯 ) … automatically leaves me out of any meaningful contribution on the subject …. 😉

  56. Splatterbottom permalink
    April 11, 2012 6:15 pm

    Congratulations TB! 44 years is commendable indeed. I was merely passing on the best medical advice as gleaned from less fortunate friends.

  57. el gordo permalink
    April 11, 2012 6:19 pm

    ‘….we must have slipped under the radar’

    Fairweather friends…drop ’em off the blog roll.

  58. Meta permalink
    April 13, 2012 11:31 am

    (“Fairweather friends…drop ‘em off the blog roll.”

    Poor Judas might have suffered such fate and worse (unrecognised thrice before cock-crow; once crucified, once hanged, once obliterated; no greater love for Man, no greater sacrifice ever shown; yada yada yada), if variants of accounts of him by Borges, and Barnabas, and biblical renderings are (re)combined, and the miraculous vacated. Or, forever the worst best man and never the bridegroom; and nothing but a life-giving kiss of death to mark a field of blood.)

  59. el gordo permalink
    April 13, 2012 11:46 am

    I have a look at those links later, Meta.

    Did you know the ‘virgin birth’ is a Greek mistranslation of the Hebrew?

  60. JAWS permalink
    April 13, 2012 12:30 pm

    Bob Brown has resigned

  61. armchair opinionator permalink
    April 13, 2012 1:06 pm

    Australia’s most senior-ranked Catholic says Jews ‘intellectually and morally inferior’

    I wondered at the time of watching if that would cause offence.

  62. el gordo permalink
    April 13, 2012 4:32 pm

    Meta, I like the Barnabas yarn best. Jesus in his characteristic fashion swapped bodies with Judas who went to the cross in a state of disbelief.

    And later ‘Judas’s body was stolen from his grave, and then the rumors spread of Jesus being risen from the dead. When Jesus was informed in the third heaven about what happened, he prayed to God to be sent back to the earth, and descended and gathered his mother, disciples, and followers, and told them the truth of what happened. He then ascended back to the heavens….’

    The son of god did a wicked thing to Judas and I don’t want him back as my king.

  63. TB Queensland permalink
    April 13, 2012 5:01 pm

    KL, if memory serves (I don’t keep expansive records as some here do) we both made comments regarding Pell’s comment …

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    The son of god did a wicked thing to Judas and I don’t want him back as my king.

    I don’t give a flying fk who they think they are … but my king they are definitely not!

    BTW, egg, I cracked (what a pun!) the jury duty again … starts on 23rd … I’d been told that if I hadn’t heard by the 9th I was not wanted … about 11 am on the 10th … I said to, The Minister (for War, Water, Finance and Fun), “well, no jury duty!” … the postie arrived almost as I said it … unfknbelievable … so, never count your chickens till they’re hatched! (pun intended!)

  64. el gordo permalink
    April 13, 2012 5:16 pm

    They generally pick on the old folks for jury duty…. so as not to disrupt serious workers in this booming economy.

    It still doesn’t mean you will be picked, they draw numbers out of a hat on the big day and if Defence or Prosecution don’t want you…they may say no to your straight back and suave disposition.

    For example, a red headed woman will automatically be rejected. 😉

  65. Meta permalink
    April 15, 2012 9:54 am

    Dunno about Hebrew/Aramaic (trans)literations, el g, but I have a vague intuition that all of ‘creation’ – lexic, genetic, memetic – oscillates around 1.x; which allows, even seeks, wide(ning and converging) spectra of expression(s).

    On Q&A and the good Cardinal, it’s perhaps unsurprising that Pell would prefer to apologise for any misinterpretations of/to an external community, rather than any closer scrutiny being given or lent to his apparent persistent erosion of the substrate of his own position/that of the Church as the clock (was) wound backwards, even on that very point.

    Goodbye Old Testament; goodbye original sin and (especial need for) redemption; no Adam and Eve Neanderthals; no betterer top-10s (Moses did what to the first batch of inscriptions of the Commandments of God?); goodbye promised Messiah; just New Testamentary Good Newsy stuff, John the Revelator’s Apocalyptics, and the Pellian Church powerfully pontificating about assortative Hellos. Not that I necessarily thought that Dawkins acquitted himself much better on science-y grounds.

    But, and as others might, and probably have, observed, Q&A may not be a good format for delving (deeply) into matters (super)natural and/or (meta)physical.

  66. el gordo permalink
    April 15, 2012 10:15 am

    I agree Meta, its an unholy mess, but the new testament does have some fantastic metaphysical yarns which would be a shame to waste.

    The reworking by Barnabas (sic) has the hallmarks of a Hollywood blockbuster, along the lines of a dark magic thriller.

  67. TB Queensland permalink
    April 15, 2012 10:36 am

    but the new testament does have some fantastic metaphysical yarns which would be a shame to waste.

    They can all be found inscribed on 3000+ year old buildings in Egypt, egg, nothing is new!

  68. el gordo permalink
    April 15, 2012 10:58 am

    Nothing is new under the sun, the Judeo Christian Muslim setup looks shaky…going on what I’ve learnt so far.

    There is still an outside chance of some kind of extraterrestrial thing happening, but they better hurry up because the interwebys will kill religion and put many god fearing people out of work.

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